Amateur soccer player Randall Mendoseple recently visited a tattoo parlor while on tour in South America, wanting to represent his sport with some unique looking ink. He thought about a big soccer ball tattooed around his bicep. Then he thought about two soccer balls around his chest nipples.
“Those were pretty cool ideas, but I wanted to be extreme, represent my sport in epic fashion, so I decided to get both of my testicles tattooed as soccer balls,” said Randall.
The tattoo artist was unwilling to tattoo his scrotum, but Randall had just inherited ten thousand dollars from his Aunt Josephine who recently passed away. Randall passed on a sizable chunk of that inheritance money to the tattoo artist.
“Money talks, you know. This guy wasn’t going to touch my balls let alone tattoo them, but I flashed those greenbacks at him and he fired up the tattoo gun, told me to drop my drawers, and hold my ding-dong to the side so he could have free reign to use my nuts as his artist palette.”
Then there was the pain issue. The tattoo artist, who wishes to remain anonymous, called a local South American voodoo practitioner who cast a spell on Randall to deal with the extreme pain one would undergo having his testicles tattooed. He also mixed together a special salve with morphine like effects, but one that could only be applied to the needed area by tongue, according to the voodoo specialist named Lamar Jenkins.
“I squealed like a bitch after that first layer of morphine lotion ran out, but I’ll be damned if I was gonna have that dude lick my balls a second time.”
Randall is pleased with the outcome, despite finding out that he may lose function of one testicle.
“It’s alright, was worth it. Soccer, that’s my life, I been playing since I was four. Soccer’s all about balls, like you know the actual ball you use to play the game, but also the testicular fortitude that it takes to be a real competitive player. Psychologically I can tell you straight up that my game has already improved greatly due to my tattooed soccer nuts.”
Since Randall has since been fined for displaying his tattooed balls during game play, it’s unclear how Randall now plans on visually representing his new ink, but he has been in talk with Muscle Bear Monthly, a gay sports magazine, regarding an exclusive centerfold layout featuring Randall and his special story of true soccer devotion.