Religious Man Claims Toilet Grants Wishes

ST. AUGUSTINE, Florida-

For $10 a urination, or $20 a defecation, you may be cured of illness or be awarded monetarily due to the miracle effect that this man’s toilet has. At least that is the claim of one individual who police are calling a travelling huckster, and a person of interest.

Officials say a conservatively dressed man in a sport coat has been toting around town a golden porta potty on a dolly. He’s been telling people that this toilet was reclaimed from the RV of Saint Bacaroo Jebediah, a spiritual healer and miracle worker who mysteriously disappeared last month.

The toilet is said to be a third full of the missing healers remaining excretions, and mixing one’s own urine or feces, creates a divine intervention where all prayers are answered on the spot. The golden toilet man is believed to be calling himself “Thomas” or “Tom” from Tallahassee. He has stated to individuals that they needed to “get in while you can, because once this potty is full, it can’t grant no more miracles.”

One victim recalled her experience with Thomas:

“Yeah he been coming by the park every day with his golden toilet. Look like he just spray paint it gold. It smell too. He been doin good tho… He’ll dolly it behind the bushes there and people will say their pray while they either piss in it or take a dump in it. He says the $20 dolla dump will make the miracles come true even faster. I just did the ten dolla pee and my arthritis still hurt, aint no change at all.”

Police are warning people not to fall for this scam and if they spot this individual to contact authorities as they would like to speak with him regarding the disappearance of the alleged miracle worker, Saint Jebediah.