Prison Guards Handcuffed Naked By Dominatrix

NOVA MUTUM, Brazil –

In something you would expect to come straight out of a Tarantino movie, real life imitated B-movie art yesterday when male prison guards thought they were going to receive oral sex acts from women visitors dressed as sexy dominatrix’s. The cunning females had the guards strip down naked, fully erectile, while having them handcuff themselves to bedposts. But rather than performing sexual pleasuring acts, they instead walked out and  proceeded to free dozens of prisoners, pulling off one of the most creatively elaborate prison breaks in centuries.

“Obviously the immediate reaction is ‘are these male prison guards complete imbeciles?'” psychologist Melvin Planktin explains.

“But these men are like most men: sexually starving beasts with ferocious appetites for having their Johnson’s pleasured in any manner whatsoever. Their sexual hormones are raging due to working in a very sex hungry environment where male prisoners are constantly having sex with each other. The sexual energy is extremely strong in the prison environment, so when a dominatrix or three shows up at the station, it’s game on.”

The embarrassing moment came when all the naked guards, now in a flaccid, scrunched up state, were found by their superiors shamefully bound by their own handcuffs, and left to explain what had happened.

Surprisingly, one prison supervisor was extremely sympathetic towards the embarrassed guards:

“It’s a shame, for them, that they received no acts of sex whatsoever. I think the morale of our guards would be lifted some if they at least were pleasured a bit instead of just left, literally, hanging. They really got nothing out of it and we are putting that into consideration as to how many days we will suspend our guards for this obvious miscalculation in judgement.”

So far, eight of the thirty escaped convicts have been found. Many of the escapees stole rifles and shotguns from the prison and are considered to be heavily armed. One was found drunk in a field waving around a rifle, overcome by his own hysterical laughter at how absurd the whole ordeal unfolded.

If the guards are reprimanded to the fullest, they could be looking at a full week suspension without pay.