“Devil Baby” Rejects Baptism Holy Water

MADISON, Wisconsin –

Gerry and Shirly MacFee were thrilled to have their child baptized last weekend at St. Farleys Catholic Church. Relatives from across the country flew in for this momentous occasion where a child is blessed with holy water and forced to surrender to Jesus Christ, thus ensuring their chances will be better than the average person’s for being allowed into the Kingdom of Heaven when they eventually die. This was to be a celebration for all, especially baby Lenny.

But something strange happened when the ceremonial holy water was splashed all over Lenny’s face as is customary. The water seemed to deflect the skin. So much so that it bounced right back into priest Farley’s face, leaving a strange stinging sensation upon impact.

“It was like oil and water. They just don’t mix. And holy water and this baby, well, they just didn’t mix. We eventually tried pouring the entire bucket of holy water on his head and the same goddamn thing happened, it bounced right off of Lenny,” said Uncle Zachariah.

Father Farley escorted the parents into a confessional booth and privately explained to them that he suspected this may be a case of a “devil baby”, which means a baby has somehow become possessed by Lucifer himself, who is the one rejecting the holy water.

All 53 family members who had flown in to attend the event, were left completely devastated, and unsure how to proceed in their relation with little Lenny.

Though an explanation of this strange phenomenon may have surfaced. An alter boy has reportedly come forward saying that he had switched the holy water with witch hazel, an astringent used for healing wounds. He wasn’t aware that a baby was going to be baptized, and is now remorseful in that the witch hazel could have harmed the child.

“I not into the God thing, I just needed a part time job and Priest Farley paid me a decent amount of under the table cash for doing stuff for him in the Church. So when I accidentally spilled the holy water last week, I didn’t think it was a big deal to replace it with a bunch of witch hazel, you know like the placebo effect, no big deal right? But now I know God is real! He protected that boy from the witch hazel by deflecting it from the baby’s skin! God is good!”

Whether the witch hazel story pans out as legitimate is unclear, as the 15-year-old alter boy was last seen 40 miles from the church, hopping a freight train and skipping town in fear of reprimand from Father Farley.

The family plans on attempting another Baptism, but remain extremely nervous on the potentiality that a second episode of devil baby holy water rebuttal may occur.