Walmart Bans Alcohol And Chocolate From Laid Off Employees

Walmart was recently forced to close a total of five stores across the country, due to plumbing issues. This move appears to be a big blow to the mega store’s yearly earnings, and in turn irate Wal Mart executives have issued lifestyle guidelines to all the employess they laid off. One of these guidelines is a ban on all ex-employees from consuming alcohol and chocolates.

“To cope with your loss of employment, do not consume chocolates or alcohol.”

Media ecologist Bryce Mayfeather has chimed in on this unusual move which he believes must be some sort of revenge-based tactic.

“All I can figure, is that Walmart exec’s are blaming the plumbing issues and loss of revenues on it’s employees. Like it was because of their nightly alcohol consumption that they would come into work the next day and have to constantly relieve themselves, placing extra strain on the plumbing. And apparently these employess were chocolate fiends who binged on chocolate and in turn had to use the restrooms to go number two and obviously this caused the pipes to back up.”

How Walmart plans on enforcing the alcohol and chocolate ban on former employees is unclear. Bryce believes they may hire private investigators to keep tabs and issue weekly reports.

“Look, they do plan on re-opening these stores in six months or so, and they know, the same employess are going to re-apply and they don’t want the same thing happening. So it’s like, you know, they have this window to get these people off of the alcohols and the chocolates.”

Walmart recently released this statement regarding their guideline requirements for ex-employees:

“Whenever we have a situation that impacts our associates our goal is to provide them information that will help answer their questions, as well as provide guidance to resources and other information that would help through any transition. The ‘coping with transition’ document is a standard resource we provide associates to help them manage the difficulties of discussing any type of work transition with others. It’s unfortunate that our critics are attempting to minimize this process by conveniently excluding all the other valuable information our associates received and need during this time.”