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Man Arrested For Sexually Assaulting Ronald McDonald


Alan Mason, who plays Ronald McDonald in many Chicago area McDonald’s restaurants, got a frightening surprise Monday night when a man with a McDonald’s tattoo on his forehead tackled him from behind and began ‘mouth kissing’ him.

“He said it was always his fantasy to fornicate with a Ronald McDonald,” a visibly shaken Mason told police. “He told me I was the chosen one and he wanted to have a baby with me and then we could open up our own McDonald’s in Costa Rica.”

Mason tried reasoning with his attacker who was on top of him. “I told him I already have a boyfriend and for him to stop french kissing me this very instant!” Mason didn’t suffer any serious injuries, though is being treated for unidentified mouth sores that formed a few hours after the attack.

Several construction workers had to pull Bobby Smitty, 52, off of Mason. “It took four of us to get him off. He was strong as a billy goat, and seemed to be dead serious about going all the way with the Ronald McDonald.”

Smitty was uncooperative with Chicago Police when they arrived. “He kept saying that his McDonalds forehead tattoo entitled him to free small fries and a chocolate milk shake, which he kept demanding. We don’t know what his story is, but suspect he may be mentally retarded. Although one form of identification we uncovered does indicate he is from Jacksonville, Florida.”

Smitty was booked on one count of felony sexual assault. McDonald’s has yet to issue a statement regarding the bizarre attack.